Sunday, August 17, 2008

I don't think God is listening.

I know, I know...heavy title for a post, eh? Well, this is what is on my mind, so I'm going to write about it!
A little background...I was raised in a fairly strict Catholic family. We went to church every Sunday. We went to C.C.D. classes for what felt like an eternity. I was never as religious as my parents, but it was admittedly a nice constant in my life. However, when faced with being able to make my own choices about religion, I realized that for me, I was more spiritual than religious; and I didn't feel the need to go to a place to connect in that way. I also felt that there were a lot of hypocrisies in religion that I just couldn't jive with and so I have half-joked that nature was my church instead. This has caused a few unfortunate riffs with my father, though it has also validated my concerns that some people of a religious nature are in fact too rigid in their beliefs to accept differing opinions. I'd like to think that Jesus wouldn't have liked that too much.

Anyway, now that I have children, I totally get the need to have more faith in my life. Having a child with special needs makes me get it even more. I think that most of us need to have the reassurance of knowing there is a higher power in the universe who we can seek comfort or hope from, even if it is just through having a conversation in your head before you go to sleep each night.

But is anyone really listening? Because I don't really think they are. I mean, I live a good life. I don't steal. I haven't killed anyone. I do charitable deeds in my community. I am kind to others. And yet when I talk to that higher power and beg and plead to please help my little guy, I haven't felt like I've gotten anything in return. Are we just waiting to hit the autism lottery later on? Is he going to have this breakthrough beyond my wildest imagination when I least expect it? Am I being horribly selfish for wishing for some betterment for my fortunate family when there are so many people in this world who have it so much worse than we do? And if I am being selfish...what's the criteria for getting a little assistance from the big guy? (or girl) I'd like to get a better understanding of how to qualify.

As I lay in bed last night I was unable to stop the tears from falling. It is impossible to not be worried about what the future may hold for M. I try to be optimistic. I try to believe that he can do anything he sets his mind to. But the reality is that he may not. I've said that to a few people and I think some of them think I am horrible for uttering something other than positive affirmations. Those who know me best know that I have trouble being anything but honest. I am an open book of emotions and thoughts, and sometimes I have the tendency to lay a little too much out on the table. (gee...kind of like I'm doing in this blog entry, hmmm?? haha)
But this is the only way I know to live.

I hope that someday I am able to write that there is a God and he (or she) has blessed my little boy with abilities beyond my wildest dreams. And for now, I guess I'll just have to hold onto a tiny bit of faith that that can happen.


little miss mel said...

Oh D, I can't imagine all the anguish that goes along with wanting a better life for M. It must be so frustrating going up against something so abstract.

M is so blessed to be apart of your family.

All of this will pay off, IT WILL.

And for you to question all of this, I say Well you should!!

hugs girl.

GFCF Mommy said...

As a "not-so-good but wish I were better, Catholic girl, who also has been known to go get spiritual about nature and the universe," your post really moved me.

It's ok to have doubts and not be positive all the time and I am glad you are still holding on to a little faith too. You are not a horrible person for trying to be realistic either. It's impossible to be postive all the time. It's ok to cry sometimes too.

It is hard. People just don't know the half of it, do they?

Hugs from a new cyber friend.