Wednesday, December 31, 2008

In True Debbie Fashion...

..I am going to apologize if I worried anyone with my sentiments yesterday. (SORRY, R! Haha) It felt good to type them out.

We ended up having a really nice day of doing nothing special. I invited the neighbors' kids over, (to which the father responded in a surprised but thrilled tone, 'Are you serious?!'), we performed a few puppet shows in our new theater, played a few musical jam sessions, and spent some much-needed time in the backyard. And M pumped his legs on the swing for the first time!! He actually did it! I was so proud of him and could tell that he was pretty proud of his new skill as well. He even dared so much as to lean waaaaay back while swinging, which I wasn't quite as excited about, though I did remind myself that he is a boy and boys should do that sort of thing. (and of course, he wasn't really very high after all)

When the neighbors were ready to retire to their own home, they wanted the boys to come in to see their toys which resulted in an impromptu cocktail hour for the grownups. And as it turned out, some of the neighbors' friends were there and were joking with one another about buying a house in our view whose construction had been halted. I said, 'Heeeeyyyyy, you could buy the house right next door!' The wife said sheepishly, 'Oh my gosh, I had just said to my husband that it would be so great if we could buy that one.'

So you just never know, huh? I'm not holding my breath, but maybe this is our time for a little stroke of luck.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

It's Like This...

I am scared.

I am worried.

I am currently not blissful.

I feel like I am trapped in a web I cannot get out of and even though I see the ledge. right. there. I cannot *quite* reach it to pull myself out of the stickiness that entangles me.

These are the thoughts that fill my head:

-What if this move last April just happened to coincide with a regression that M was destined to have?

-What if the biomedical interventions we started at the beginning of '08 (gfcf diet, natural supplements, yeast and bacteria treatment) have screwed with his system rather than helping it?

-What if the bloody nose B has had the last couple of nights, paired with the low grade fever is something really scary like cancer? (I know, I know. Sounds ridiculous, but when you have one child with a brain disorder and a second who seems to be typical, you are unfortunately always waiting for the other shoe to drop)

-What if I decide to finally give B the MMR shot, and even though I'd separate it, it was the thing that sent him into an autistic regression? (*note: M was not a child who showed autistic regression after a vaccine, though I do not discount the fact that he could have underlying genetic predispositions that caused that very first vaccine at 5 days old to affect him. M has shown signs of autism since he was an infant)

-What if M's real issue isn't even really autism? We are getting the wheels in motion to do genetic testing, as I have a strong feeling we may be dealing with something like fragile x syndrome or something mitochondria-related.

-What if the boys, pets and I move back to the mother ship and the other half isn't able to sell this house in a reasonable amount of time?

-What if he does get an offer on the house, but it means losing a shite load of our money that we put into it?

-What if California finally has 'the big one' and our house is ruined, leaving us with years more of entrapment in fighting for the funds to rebuild it? (yes, this one does cross my mind given the interesting luck I seem to attract)

-What if something were to happen to me or the other half? How would we handle that?

It is easy to say that one should let the universe handle these concerns rather than continuing to focus on them myself, but it is hard. Really effing hard.

I am in a constant struggle within my own head to try and shut myself up. As I'm typing this I am even qualifying these thoughts--to myself, mind you--and reminding myself that there are so many people that have things way harder than we do. I am somewhat ashamed to type my thoughts here because of this. It is hard to be honest about one's fears when you also realize that you have so much. But these fears are mine, (and so is this blog-ha!), so there you have it.

The other half and I share more wordless moments lately when we are just trying to take a load off on the couch and the chaos around us is deafening.

We make attempts to do fun things as a family that always seem to have their highs and lows...the lows being inevitable, senseless meltdowns on M's part or defiance on B's. We (or at least I, because I am able to admit these sorts of things) feel a bit sorry for ourselves sometimes. Why can't we have an easy family outing ever?

I mentioned to the other half that 'we are totally overwhelmed.' My comment was met with anger. He snapped back, 'That is a defeatist attitude and I will not accept it!'

I wonder if in reality he feels overwhelmed, too, but because we are different in many ways, we treat these feelings differently. I, being an open book, wear my emotions on my sleeve. He, being elusive and mysterious, is not this way though I imagine that deep inside he really feels the same as I do.

Well, it would seem that James Joyce's stream of consciousness has taken over my brain today! I never liked that guy's work. In other words...I'll shut up now :)

And with that.....

I do send these thoughts out to the universe and away from my mind if but for a day!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Changes Are A-Brewin'...

...can you feel that?

I can.

Better make your plans to come visit me in this beautiful place before it is too late.
You just never know what might happen next.

And I could use a really good excuse to go the wine country for a day or two. your tickets. Pronto!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Where In The World Is Debbie?

Sorry, faithful four readers. I have been out of blogging mode for a few weeks now. Every single day I think of something to blog about, but the snot that has filled my head for the last five days has apparently also penetrated my brain with nothing but whiny thoughts. So for your sake, I will leave you instead with a sweet video of my boys during an early 2nd birthday celebration we had while back on the mother ship. M absolutely loves the happy birthday song, so we sang it to him too! Hope everyone's holiday is merry and bright. And snot-free.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

On Meeting Strangers...

I was just reading another blog I frequent (Cage Free Family) about this family from Austin who has given up pretty much everything to live and travel with their two children and two dogs in an RV, while searching for peace, adventure, and organic foods along the way. It's a pretty amazing concept, and one I fantasize about, but know that my materialistic desires could never succeed in accomplishing.
Anyhow, the author spoke of meeting strangers and how she tries to do it every single day. I am this way. My father is this way. I meet people in grocery store lines or post offices and I can strike up a conversation in just about any setting. I half joke that if you put me in front of a wall I could have a conversation with it. My other half thinks this is a bizarre and somewhat annoying habit. It is one of many ways we are quite different from one another, though he does give in and participate in my fun when we are visiting foreign countries. (When in Rome, eh?)

When reading Cage Free Family's recent post, I realized I'd not yet shared the story of our adventure in Arizona where we met four amazing women who were probably in their late 50s to 60s at a winery. While we were tasting, the person working the wine room jokingly said that if we were looking for some fun people to hang out with the four women on the other side of the room were a hoot. We later went over to where they sat for a brief photo opportunity that lead into an evening of hilarity and honesty with some really beautiful women. After we took pictures of each other in various wine-drinking poses, one of the women announced that she was going to perform a song for us. So out of no where, she begins to sing this fabulous Broadway-esque tune for us. My friend, R, just had to chime in about my love for singing and I was soon 'talked into' a song of my own. (Note: I do not do private performances! I am much less intimidated by a crowd of people and bright lights shining in my face than I am of singing for only a few who have their eyes glued. right. on. me. AGH!)
We followed them to the next winery where we laughed and told stories; took more photos, and drank more wine. The ladies had plans to meet their husbands for dinner and take in a local show. They suggested a restaurant for us to try and told us to come back to where they were eating afterward for karaoke. After a failed attempt to get into the restaurant, we ended up back at their place where they'd saved us two spots just in case. More giggling ensued and then a turning point in the conversation. Somehow I mentioned that R and I had become friends because our sons were in the same preschool for children with special needs. The woman who'd sung the song at the winery was in shock, and admitted sheepishly that earlier she'd been watching us thinking how carefree, young and happy we were. It was a reminder to all of us that so often things aren't *quite* as they seem. We all have stories. We all have burdens to bear. And sometimes we all need a little time to be a bit like our old selves and kick up our heels for a moment or two. That is what this trip did for me, and I am grateful.

To make a long story longer, we ended up going back to the home of one the women. They'd missed their play and we were all having too good a time to care. We drank wine, then coffee. We took silly pictures in front of their fireplace. I was talked into singing another song. We talked about serious stuff. We talked about not-so-serious stuff. We looked at family photos. We exchanged email addresses and made promises to keep in touch. It was like hanging out with family that you actually liked. It was lovely, and I'm so glad we did it.

When telling the other half about our adventure his response was, 'I can pretty much guarantee I would never do something like that.'

'I know,' I said. 'We talked about that tonight!'

Take chances. Talk to new people. Life is too short not to.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Riddle Me This...

...Since moving here last April, I have 'lost' two wine bottle foil cutters and two beer bottle openers. All of these alcohol-related gadgets reside in the same 6"x8" drawer organizer along with the Screwpull, an OXO grip cork screw (that has the cork from some very cheap bottle of wine circa 1997 forever stuck in it; though it does still work!), some cutesie wine glass charms, a vacuvin, and two of those silver thingamabobs with the felt lining that you put over the neck of a bottle of red so as to not have red wine drippies on your table.

I chalked one of the foil cutters and one of the bottle openers up to ditzy misplacement. I was a bit suspicious of the other half when the second bottle opener--the one he uses for his Longboard Ales--disappeared, even though he swears he had nothing to do with it. But this latest foil cutter! The one I just purchased about a month ago to replace the replacement for the first 'lost' cutter that broke. Hmmm...maybe I should investigate the 'broken' cutter too. Seems a little to coincidental, don't you think?

But seriously, y'all, I think I may be going crazy here. I clearly recall putting this foil cutter back in its home this morning in my attempts to clean before the cleaners arrived.

Do my house cleaners have an affinity for booze-y gadgets?

Are the other half and I drinking too much and misplacing these things?

Are our five, bored-as-hell, underexercised, no-squirrels-here-to-chase, aging pets having toga parties after we go to bed, during which the cats bat these things around like balls of paper, and perhaps I should check under the couch to find them? (and yes, I know that was not a properly written sentence, thank you very much)

Because I am having a serious WTF over here and am 'bout ta start pointing some fingers!!

On The Topic Of The Ever-So-Ridiculous, How-Could-It-Be-Passed, Proposition 8

I think this is fantastic.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Monday, December 1, 2008

This Probably Shouldn't Be As Funny To Me As It Is

B cracks me up constantly. The kid is hysterical. Sometimes it is quite intentional, while others, not so much. We have started a new bedtime ritual whereby I blow him a kiss and tell him to catch it. He then blows me one and I pretend to watch it bounce off the walls until I can finally catch it. He thinks it is High-larious!
In response to our fun new game, he has decided to abbreviate his request for it.

His new constant phrase to me?

"Blow me? Mommy, blow me?"

The other half heard this for the first time last night and had a not-so-funny response which I will not bore you with here :)