Tuesday, December 30, 2008

It's Like This...

I am scared.

I am worried.

I am currently not blissful.

I feel like I am trapped in a web I cannot get out of and even though I see the ledge. right. there. I cannot *quite* reach it to pull myself out of the stickiness that entangles me.

These are the thoughts that fill my head:

-What if this move last April just happened to coincide with a regression that M was destined to have?

-What if the biomedical interventions we started at the beginning of '08 (gfcf diet, natural supplements, yeast and bacteria treatment) have screwed with his system rather than helping it?

-What if the bloody nose B has had the last couple of nights, paired with the low grade fever is something really scary like cancer? (I know, I know. Sounds ridiculous, but when you have one child with a brain disorder and a second who seems to be typical, you are unfortunately always waiting for the other shoe to drop)

-What if I decide to finally give B the MMR shot, and even though I'd separate it, it was the thing that sent him into an autistic regression? (*note: M was not a child who showed autistic regression after a vaccine, though I do not discount the fact that he could have underlying genetic predispositions that caused that very first vaccine at 5 days old to affect him. M has shown signs of autism since he was an infant)

-What if M's real issue isn't even really autism? We are getting the wheels in motion to do genetic testing, as I have a strong feeling we may be dealing with something like fragile x syndrome or something mitochondria-related.

-What if the boys, pets and I move back to the mother ship and the other half isn't able to sell this house in a reasonable amount of time?

-What if he does get an offer on the house, but it means losing a shite load of our money that we put into it?

-What if California finally has 'the big one' and our house is ruined, leaving us with years more of entrapment in fighting for the funds to rebuild it? (yes, this one does cross my mind given the interesting luck I seem to attract)

-What if something were to happen to me or the other half? How would we handle that?

It is easy to say that one should let the universe handle these concerns rather than continuing to focus on them myself, but it is hard. Really effing hard.

I am in a constant struggle within my own head to try and shut myself up. As I'm typing this I am even qualifying these thoughts--to myself, mind you--and reminding myself that there are so many people that have things way harder than we do. I am somewhat ashamed to type my thoughts here because of this. It is hard to be honest about one's fears when you also realize that you have so much. But these fears are mine, (and so is this blog-ha!), so there you have it.

The other half and I share more wordless moments lately when we are just trying to take a load off on the couch and the chaos around us is deafening.

We make attempts to do fun things as a family that always seem to have their highs and lows...the lows being inevitable, senseless meltdowns on M's part or defiance on B's. We (or at least I, because I am able to admit these sorts of things) feel a bit sorry for ourselves sometimes. Why can't we have an easy family outing ever?

I mentioned to the other half that 'we are totally overwhelmed.' My comment was met with anger. He snapped back, 'That is a defeatist attitude and I will not accept it!'

I wonder if in reality he feels overwhelmed, too, but because we are different in many ways, we treat these feelings differently. I, being an open book, wear my emotions on my sleeve. He, being elusive and mysterious, is not this way though I imagine that deep inside he really feels the same as I do.

Well, it would seem that James Joyce's stream of consciousness has taken over my brain today! I never liked that guy's work. In other words...I'll shut up now :)

And with that.....

I do send these thoughts out to the universe and away from my mind if but for a day!

1 comment:

sarah said...

wow debbie, big hugs and tall glasses of wine, that is more on your mind and plate than any of us should ever have to think about, decide upon, and wonder about. Just so you no, no mmr here, we are very slow in our vaccines and feel very safe with our decisions. B can get the MMR just before he starts school, really. K has only had two shots so far, one at 6 months, and one at 9, we go slow with her two. As for everything else...man I guess you just keep going forward because you have no other choice, and hopefully in time things will become more clear. What about making a temporary move to inlaws for 6 months or a year to feel it all out over there as well as wait for the housing market to bounce back? hope we can get together soon!