Today we have been living in this house for one year. I can't refer to it as 'home' because after one year, it still does not feel like home. I took almost all of our personal photos down two months ago in anticipation of showing this house; in hopes that someone else would want to make it their home. But clearly now, that is not meant to be for at least a little while. Damned economy! I know I should unpack the picture frames, but I guess there is still that part of me that hopes someone will magically come along and want to buy our house...perhaps someone who loved it back when it was on the market just over one year ago? If only, right? But one can dream...
I put a lot of weight into how a house makes me feel. I think that's part of why the other half and I have moved around so much. You just can't really know a place until you've lived in it. It's hard to have insight into all the things that are going to piss you off royally once you've moved in. Well, you can, but if you allow the 'oohs and ahhs' to take precedence over the rational, practical stuff that isn't as much fun to get yourself emotionally tied to, you find yourself in a spot that doesn't suit you after the brief affair with the house ends.
I am very lucky to live in this house. I am lucky to see the mighty Pacific out almost every single window. I am lucky to watch the deer roaming in the open space behind us, and to listen to the owls at dusk. And yet, I think that if this house had felt more like a home this past year; and if this house hadn't been so difficult for all of us to maneuver; things would have been a lot less stressful on our family.
Our house is built up into a hillside; an inverted floor plan with the kitchen and living room on the top level. There are something like 55 steps from the garage to the top floor. Our bedrooms our one floor below the kitchen, as is the door that leads to the back yard. I have to go down a flight of stairs, past the kids' rooms and through their bathroom just to let my dogs outside. And once we've accomplished that, I have to stand out there while they pee in the open space preserve since the fenced-in-area of our property does not have any grass. Yes, I realize how whiny this sounds. But when you're patience is stretched already, the last thing you want to do is stand outside five times a day to let your aging animals do their business. And don't get me started on how it is when Hank takes a runner, or Sydney uses her newly acquired deafness to conveniently keep walking back into the preserve without looking back at me.
Lots of people fantasize about a house like ours...the other half and I now fantasize about a small, ranch-style house with no stairs! Oh, the grass is always greener, isn't it?!
I sometimes feel bad cursing this beautiful house. As though it has a soul that I am marring with my words. (does it?) There aren't many things that I'd do over in this life, but this house is one thing that I absolutely would if given the chance.
The other half thinks it will be another year before we will be able to make a change in our living situation. Like my newest mantra, 'M WILL go to the private school I want him to go to', I think I'll add to my plea, 'We WILL sell this house without losing our asses soon!'
Yes, one can dream!