Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Peanut Butter On Your Penis & Various Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say

I posted the following over at Hopeful Parents today.  Be sure to check out all the amazing parent writers over there!

This parenting gig is full of surprises.  Add the even crazier twist of parenting a child with special needs and, well, it's no wonder so many of us enjoy a glass of wine (or three) each night.
M is seven and has had a big regression in the area of toileting.  I feel the need to knock on some wood as I type how fortunate I feel that this regression is in the area of numero uno and not numero dos.
Regardless, it does pretty much suck to have to clean up pee multiple times each day when trying to keep him in big boy underpants and then having to remember to bring diapers on outings...for your seven year old.  I've had to start buying diapers online through incontinence web sites.  I've found myself spending hours searching to see which site had the lowest price or a free shipping coupon.  The first time I searched for diapers online I clicked on a benign-looking web site with the word 'diaper' in it and was shocked (and fairly amused) to read that it was a web site for infantilists who enjoyed wearing diapers as adults.  Who the hell in their right mind would CHOOSE to wear a diaper as an adult?  Clearly these are not adults who parent children with special needs!  I will say, however, that some of their prices were competitive, and the brands were the same ones you'd find at other incontinence stores...but I just could not bring myself to make a purchase there!  
Fast forward to last week when I decided to purchase some diapers fromOverstock.com.  Yes, believe it or not, Overstock even carries diapers!  (and, no, I do not work there)  Since their shipping price was right, I decided it was worth it to try out the smallest adult-sized diaper that they carried--a size small--since the waist size fell in the range of my boy's distended belly.  
Unfortunately, I learned that though they do fit around his waist, the other--ahem--areas of the diaper do not fit very well.  I'm banking on the hope that M will not need diapers in 10 years (please, please!) so I'm hellbent on using these suckers up even though they are a bit, well, large.  I put one on him for our two-hour walk yesterday in hopes that since he'd be sitting in our jogging stroller the diaper would do the job.  
Not so much.
We had to strip down our poor boy once we got back to our car to drive home, and with no clean clothes with us, (because you forget to bring the change of clothes when your child has suddenly decided to not use the potty at the age of SEVEN!), a very naked M had to be strapped into his carseat for the drive home.  The other half was a bit pale as he delicately tried to maneuver the buckle that clips into the car seat near the poor boy's private parts.  One crisis averted, we finally made it home.  
We were planning to go into the hot tub after a quick snack, so the other half decided it would be okay to feed M in the buff.  It was a warm day after all.
Unfortunately, our little man is not what you'd call a neat eater.  And the peanut butter that was on his apples ended up being put on his...nevermind.  You know where this is going, right?
When he got up from the table and I noticed what he'd done, I was a tiny bit alarmed at how easy the words, 'M, come over here so I can clean the peanut butter off your penis' rolled off my tongue.  As though it was completely a normal occurrence in our lives.  The other half and I cracked up over this and remarked how there are so many bizarre things that come out of our mouths that we never ever would have thought back when we were much cooler (and thinner) 20-somethings, blissfully unaware of the mayhem that lay ahead of us.
Other bizarre things I have caught myself saying to my seven-year-old with more regularity than I probably should admit:
-Please quit chewing on the dvds.
-Don't put sand (or substitute rocks, dirt, seashells, and various other outdoor items) in your mouth.
-Vacuum cords are not chewies.
-Stop drinking the hot tub water.
-How did you get spaghetti sauce inside your ear?
There's really no brilliant way to end this post other than to ask that you all make me feel a bit better about this craziness and share with me and other Hopeful Parents the things you can't believe have come out of your mouth!


Alicia D said...

this is hilarious!! LOL! as an aside, i buy my 15 year olds diapers at northshore company. they are really good diapers but im not sure how competetive the pricing. they fit her and since she will never likely be truly toilet trained, i need them to hold ALOT. i had heard about adult males who like to wear diapers bc one of my ex-husband's childhood friends was into that. i had never heard of it before in my life and honestly, I wish I had never known bc it made it difficult to look him in the face after that. totally weird. i mean, deeply disturbing weird.

anyhoo.... yes i find myself saying all kinds of things and humiliating myself beyond belief in the act of motherhood. ah, its so glamorous. but i cant say i've ever wiped peanut butter off of... you know...but then again, i have all girls. peanutbutter is harder to get THERE. :)

Ro said...

Good luck with the nappies (diapers) only suggestion I can think of is to get the panty-liner-type incontinence inserts rather than a full nappy/diaper.
As for the bizarre comments - yeah, we don't even realise we're saying odd things til we're out in public and the peasants start giving us a wide berth lol.

Robert said...

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Boy Wonder's Mom said...

ohhhh the things I've said. Half I dont' remember. But I have said....

Don't lick the drainpipe.

You're boogers do not get put in my nose.

NO spit painting on the windows!!!!

Lynn said...

Infantilists? Really? That is some freaky deaky stuff. Yeah, I've had some nuggets come out of my mouth as well, usually having to do with toe and pit sniffing.

Great post! Found you through Hopeful Parents...I'm your newest follower!

burgiboogie said...

Oh boy, the things out of my mouth....

Perhaps the strangest is having to sing the intro to 20th century fox movies 500 times a day, including the snare drums.

Stop doing laundry, we don't have any left, and you cannot put clean clothes back in the washer. (my son is obsessed with doing the laundry, it could be worse, but it has its' downfalls.)

Yelling to the confused pedestrians as my son careens toward them on his bike. "Look out he's blind!" (only legally big difference, but I can't really explain that before he runs them over)

Mama Deb said...

Thank you all for sharing your funny stories. I'm sure you, like me, have even more hilarious and bizarre things that have flown out of your mouths that might be a little *too* crazy to share with everyone!

@Alicia, I'm dying that your ex had a friend who was an infantilist. O.M.G!

Mom to JBG said...

Your life is more like mine than anyone I currently know. When people make subtle, advice-giving type comments to me, I think of saying, "Have you cleaned poop out of your child's nostrils lately? "

I'm worried about finding huge swim diapers this summer (pretty sure they are online somewhere).

Mama Deb said...

Thanks for reading, Mom to JBG!
I haven't had to look for swim diapers for M (knocking on wood) but perhaps North Shore Care company would have them?