...it's good for me to put my feelings down someplace other than inside my scrambled brain.
It's good for me to know that I have people reading who love me and my family or relate to our lives through their own.
So why have I been so absent lately?
I suppose it's that lack of THE word I've mentioned as being at the top of my 2010 mantra list: BALANCE. I swear to you, the word itself is magnified in volume in the world around me. I'll not hear a single word spoken from a person standing near me or from the tv, etc. but I always seem to hear it when someone mentions that word. It's as though it's enlightenment's way of teasing me; reaching out her arms to pull me in.
Balance, balance, balance. If only you can find the way to BE balanced, then the rest will fall into place.
Heck, one of my oldest friends and a reader of this blog (Hi, J!) recently started her own blog. Guess what it's called? Be Balanced Houston. See? It's everywhere!
It's amazing how when you're filled with a particular vibe, you discover that so many around you are in the exact same place. I've noticed quite a few friends who have slowed down the pace of their writing. And when they have sat down to share some thoughts, I can't get over how their topics of conversation are so on point with my own. I just read a blog I hadn't caught up on in a few weeks to find a guest blogger writing about being stuck, writing pros and cons lists for places to live. Then I read that the author of the blog was ready to move away from her lifelong home due to the dreary, cold weather. People...I was just thinking not an hour ago about writing out a pros and cons list to show the other half so we can once and for all decide where the hell our family should set down some roots. And not an hour before that (okay, and for a month before that as well) I was bitching and moaning about how flipping cold and gloomy my little coastal town is. Mama needs to put on some flipflops and a sundress and take in some vitamin D, people! Clearly the weather is currently at the root of my inability to achieve balance.
But we all know the main crux of the balance issue and that is my comfort level with where M is in life. It is so painfully clear that I will likely never achieve any sort of balance--not even that teeter-tottery sort where you're not sure if the person on the other side is going to hop off unexpectedly making you crash into the ground--until M is in a good place. Hell, even a better place. But I'm still making baby steps in the right direction.
I didn't spell it out in a recent post, but I will now: After nearly two years of fighting my insurance company, I finally succeeded in getting them to qualify M for 25 hours/week of in-home ABA (applied behavioral analysis) therapy. For those not in the know, this is HUGE, HUGE, HUGE!
Our amazing therapist began working with our little guy just over two weeks ago. We are currently only using about 16 hours/week because it is definitely a lot for him to go to school and continue to do work at home afterward. But there is so much general learning that is wrapped up beautifully in the art of play that he doesn't always realize it should be considered work. The weight lifted from my shoulders is immense. We had gotten into a real rut of doing nothing after school. It had become next to impossible for me or B to engage M in any activity. We couldn't even get him to sit still or quietly through a simple storybook. And forget any chance of going anywhere. No, sir, that ended close to year ago. I simply was not capable of many outings with both boys, by myself.
So as much as I hate to admit it (it's that Mama guilt thing of not adding up) this in-home therapy is the best thing we could have possibly hoped to have happened in the current position we're in. (i.e. no family support nearby, not-ideal school environment) I am so grateful for the bit of balance I am starting to achieve simply by not feeling guilty about my son pacing back and forth making verbal self-stimulatory sounds for hours and hours after school with me too fried to do much about it.
I am not a quitter, though I've not always pushed myself as hard to reach the finish line as I should have. So one day, maybe I'll find the right place to live. Maybe that place will have the right school for M. Maybe I'll figure out a way to get back to the me I used to know. (well, the good parts of me, that is) And maybe my family will plant some roots that spread widely and firmly; enough to balance us all. Enough to make us feel happiness on a more regular basis.