Friday, June 25, 2010

La Da Di, La Di Da

Time is passing me by, faster and faster as the days progress. I just realized that I--the one who was fairly anal retentive about this task--am over two years behind in uploading family photos from my laptop onto Snapfish. I used to have a system whereby every few months I'd upload to Snapfish, create a backup on cd, delete from my hard drive, and then print out my favorites for a chronological photo album. Sounds a little nutty probably, but I love going through those photos with the kids, reliving all of the hand-picked, happy moments.

I thought we were going to put this crazy-ass house of stairs on the market 1.5 years ago and move back to the mother ship. I really, truly did. And in an effort to get it 'show-ready' I packed up all of my pictures in frames along with books that made the shelves look too cluttered and photo albums that took up too much space. They now reside in a lonely storage center where I haven't laid an eye on them in over a year. Oh, and the house still hasn't gone on the market...sigh.

We just got back from a 9-day vacation to the most beautiful place, Flathead Lake in Montana. We went with my best friend and her family for the second time. The first trip, three years ago, was so gloriously relaxing that I was chomping at the bit for this one to arrive. My black cloud decided to follow me, however, and I ended up sicker than I've been in a long time for the entire flipping trip. Woe is me. I know, I know. I have much to be grateful for, but sometimes I feel like I have really shitty luck.

Everyone had a fantastic time (well, everyone else), but I had lots of time to ponder where I am in life and how I am living it. The outcome? I'm not at all happy with the way I pass each day and know that I am not living up to my full potential. I am too-this and not-enough-that. I don't laugh like I used to. I fret over shit I don't need to fret over. I am on edge. I have a lump in my throat. I don't know where the heck the flip switched from 'then' to 'now,' but it's switched and sort of feels like the damn thing is stuck. I realized recently that I, the one who fostered dogs for six years and held that fact dearly as a big part of who I am, can't even stand to have my own two dogs underfoot anymore. I have not sung in public in nearly two years. I feel uneasy for the first time in my life when on horseback. Seriously, folks, these are three of the most important 'me-things' I've got, and I am losing sight of them all quickly.

One thing is for sure, I am no good parenting around other people beside my immediate family. Hell, I'm probably not even that good around them either! But my sensitivities and insecurities that have always been just beneath the surface are now open, festering wounds for all the world to see. Bandaids, please! Stat!

M did great overall on the trip. The boy truly loves it when we rent a vacation home, and it is a joy to witness. However, his food obsessions were in full-force during this trip, and that is a tough one when you are traveling with another family who also has two young children. M was constantly swiping food from the 9 month old's high chair or their three-year-old's plate. And most of it was gluten-containing, so that was an added hyperactive bonus for us all. I found myself so infuriated by this that I was constantly yelling, "M! NO!" when I caught him doing it, and naturally putting the rest of the group on edge. I guess that sometimes I feel like I'm the only one paying attention, though, and I'm sort of tired of it. I very much want to relinquish all concerns in that regard for a few days, but I can't.

The weather sucks currently where I live, and I know that plays a huge part in my melancholy. I love that word, by the way. "Melancholy." I saw a doctor of osteopathy a few weeks ago to check out cranial sacral therapy and to look into alternative/complementary means of aiding my overall health. After going through my lengthy history and coming to the part where I said that over the past couple of years I've definitely noticed an increase in anxiety and depression--but not really depression, she said, 'So you're saying you've noticed more melancholy?' And I paused for but a moment and said, 'Yes, I'd say that's exactly what it is!

I am taking my vitamins; mutli, omegas plus vitamin D3, calcium, and probiotics. I just ordered the Turbo Jam dvds hopefully to not waste them as I have with previously purchased workout videos. I have a sitter coming tonight after a week-long solo flight while the other half has been across the country on business. I am trying, and yet it does not seem to be enough. I need an attitude adjustment. I need a house that doesn't have so much negative energy floating around it. I need a school district I feel is more qualified to help M. Oh-wait--a bright spot! I adore our new ABA therapist, as does M, and am so grateful for that huge weight that has been lifted from my shoulders.

So it's not all bad, right? RIGHT?

And it's going to get better, right? RIGHT??

And maybe I'll blog more than once every two or three weeks, right?!

Let the sun shine!


sarah said...

oh debbie. Thank you for being honest and sharing what you are going through. Your posts are so well-written and real. One thing that I thought of right away is I love watching you parent. You are calm, focused, and treat your children like people, instead of little kids like many parents do. I know a lot of situations are challenging but you always seem to make the best of the time you spend with us before your time has expired. I admire your strength, your quest for happiness, your love for your boys, and the way you hold your whole family together.
I want to hear you sing. What will it take. A night out at open mike and several beers?

Mama Deb said...

Thank you, Sarah. But as I know most of us are, I am much more capable of keeping my parental patience when in the company of other friends!
I am so looking forward to tonight. I am pretty zapped for energy lately and know that this will be a nice pick me up for a change!

Valerie Foley said...

As I was reading, I could hear a little feel good, easy listening soundtrack starting to play...

I think you've been whacked with the sucky stick a bit too hard over the last few years, and think you have handled it with grace, dignity and honesty.

Hopefully the strains of 'I Can See Clearly Now...' will play louder and louder in all of your lives.


Rebekah said...'re freakin' me out, deb. you're like a west coast version of myself. i can identify.

and, "melancholy" is a great word. my favorite word of late (or phrase, really) is "non sequitur"...ha see what i did there? well, i'm still managing to amuse myself anyway.

Alicia DiFabio said...

oh, im so glad im not the ONLY one feeling some of the things you describe. I found myself relating to quite a bit. except the singing part... i totally cant do that... or dance... or even write that well though i want to make it my career... ahhhhh, im spirialing down!