...until bedtime for my munchkins. I am fried. Kaput. Toast.
I feel like I am not dealing with anything very well today and I don't like how that feels.
I've been on hold with Vonage to fix a phone problem. I've tried to hash out a long, past due medical bill (again). I shook B's almond milk not realizing the lid had broken and sending a torrential downpour of chocolate milk all over me and my floor. I have talked to M's developmental pediatrician about doing another stool test because his belly is ridiculously distended again and the peeing-in-the-pants issue has escalated to him being in pull ups full-time for several weeks now. I've made an appointment with an ENT on the recommendation of our pediatrician to do a sleep study to see if M has sleep apnea. I have met with our social worker from the (worthless) regional center for our yearly see-where-we're-at-even-though-we-can't-do-anything-to-help-you meeting. I have hauled M to B's swim lesson for the first time (since usually he is in school when these occur) only to feel utter frustration and pissed-offedness at how he scratched me and clenched his jaw at me because he didn't want to be there. (and this was humorous since I was actually thinking about posting how it has been such a joy NOT to be scratched very often since our wonderful ABA therapist started coming here--that'll teach me for having positive thoughts. ha!) I have yelled at M at least three times to get his brother's beloved, new, now well-chewed, light saber out of his mouth. I have yelled at my annoying senior citizen dog who refuses to be outside by herself and God forbid away from our sides for more than five minutes. I have asked B five times to get dressed so that we can go to M's network spinal analysis appointment this afternoon. I have done three loads of peed-on clothing-filled laundry. I have told M for the millionth time that it is NOT okay to unroll the entire flipping roll of toilet paper, leaving it in a torn up heap on the bathroom floor. I have taken three chewed-on dvd cases out of M's mouth. I have yet again asked B to get dressed for his brother's appointment and he is still not following directions. (why do three year olds push your buttons so fervently?) I am having trouble tuning out M's constant verbal self stimulating. I HAVE A HEADACHE THIS BIG! (okay, that sort of made me laugh)
I am feeling fragile about my mothering skills today and I hate that. I like to be in control of my emotions and when I am not, it really bothers me. I mistakenly opened someone's message from one of the autism support boards I am that was horribly disturbing and made me want to yell at that mother for posting such a thing. I know that raising a child with autism is really freaking tough and don't need to be inundated with horror stories of other parents who have snapped because they couldn't deal with it anymore.
And now I take a deep sigh and I will go to M's next appointment. And maybe I'll be able to put my boys in a stroller and take a cleansing walk on the coastal trail to attempt to clear my head a bit afterward. And when I get home, maybe I'll pour myself a glass of wine as I make dinner. And maybe I'll even get to read a few pages of the great book I'm reading. And then I will go to bed and hopefully get a full night's sleep. And then I will wake up and hopefully find that tomorrow is a much better day...