Fuel

I type this after one of those adrenaline filled hours where M's recently discovered fever spiked to 104 degrees and has now settled at a more comfortable 101.5. A coolish bath and the giving in to motrin seemed to help him immensely. I only wish I hadn't dragged the poor child and his brother to a two+ hour ophthalmology appointment after school today...if only I'd realized that one of the reasons he's been in such a foul mood for over a week now is because of the way he's feeling. But I can't beat myself up over the 'ifs.' When you have a mostly nonverbal child, you just don't always know these things.

So I alluded to how rough things have been for M as of late. The last couple of weeks have been, once again, filled with agitation, hyperactivity, and worst of all, aggression. I have a few bruises and scratches on my arms to prove it. Last Tuesday after a particularly bad day where his teachers remarked on how off he seemed, he came home only to have an explosive bowel movement in his pants (totally unusual), that lead to an hour-long cool bath and the putting on of jammies all before 3 pm. I left him to rest in my bed and went to take a shower for myself and found him zonked out when I was done. He slept until 1:30 am, woke for 30 minutes, and slept again until 7:30 am. There were no other real symptoms. Things did not improve greatly over the next week and both yesterday and today I was met with the grim-looking faces of his aides when I went to pick him up. He's had two more 'really rough days' and 'seems uncomfortable in his own body.' 'He is agitated and aggressive when we ask him to do work.' And all the while I really have no rebuttal other than to say, 'I don't know what the hell is going on.' Because I don't...not for sure anyway. And I'm paranoid of saying something that they could hold against me if we ever have to go to due process...though that keeps looking less and less likely for reasons I'm not going to spell out.

But one thing really has me bothered from today's pickup, and my lack of reaction is really eating at me now too. M's main teacher joined my conversation with the aides, echoing their sentiments and concerns for M. I said to all them that I felt odd when I didn't have reasons for these things and am feeling lost about what to do about them. The teacher--mind you in a very caring manner--said, 'I think this is just who M is now.'

It hit me like a ton of bricks when I discovered M had a raging fever a few hours later. How could I have been so stupid? Of course there is something going on to cause him to act this way lately! Her statement made me realize more than ever just how incapable this staff is of working with my son. Ask M's private therapists. Ask M's teachers from Texas. (B, if you're reading this, back me up!!) M is and has always been an old soul of a boy who has endeared those close to him.

I have said to these people more times than are natural, 'Back when he was in Texas, he could do "x." ' Because he could. And he did because he was understood better and in a classroom that wasn't fucking cluttered from floor to ceiling with academic noise and supplies that meant ZERO to my child. He was in rooms that had organization to them...a place for everything. He had clear picture schedules and labels to help him navigate through his day. This is not the case in his current school and the more I type, the more pissed off I am getting about this.

Something has to change. I can't keep watching this any longer...