Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Truth

Dear God,

I know we don't talk as much as we used to. I mean, there's that whole me not attending a church thing and questioning organized groups who follow you.
But I really could use your help right now. I am really struggling. My whole family is really struggling. My little guy's emotions are all over the map and my 60:40 rate in favor of successful outings has taken a drastic nosedive to 70:30 NOT in my favor. The rage I feel over his rage is growing to match; a thing I feel enormous guilt over and realize is the absolute worst thing a Mom can offer her sweet child in his time of needing me most. But how does one stop reacting when each and every day...about five or more times a day...she is pinched to the point of bruising; hit, kicked, and addressed with a clenched jaw and a sound like she is about to be attacked? He may only be six, and he may have low muscle tone, but he is strong and he can hurt. And the worst part? When I reread what I have written here, I feel as though I am describing to you someone other than my child. Someone other than the old soul of a boy I know has the capability of being the most endearing, most beautifully enchanting child...the child who you may not understand, but who haunts you and makes you want to understand.

God, I am scared. I feel desperate to fix this, and yet I am not able. I want to blame it on how very unhappy I know he is in his school placement, and yet I am also scared at the possibility that it is bigger than that. That this is his new normal. Have we entered the point of no return? Is he choosing to more autistic and in his world because it is easier than being a part of ours?

And what is worse, God, is that I--the woman who bore this beautiful, confusing boy--am also the one who instills fear in him. I am the one who has started to not tolerate the 20-minute hysterical meltdown when it is not the movie he wants. The one who will put him in his room immediately because I have no more patience for him reaching for his little brother's neck...even when his little brother sometimes quite knowingly provokes him.
I am the one who yells and cries at him, and then lays next to him because he needs me to make him feel safe as he tries to quiet his body long enough to fall asleep.

If your own mother cannot accept your faults, then who can? Oh, the guilt is almost too much for me to bear.

Please, please, God. If you are out there and you are listening, can you help us? It is bad and I need help.
I cannot do this alone.

Respectfully,

Debbie

8 comments:

-T- said...

I am not going to get preachy here, but I am going to pray for you. I have special needs teens and a special needs adult man/child. I honestly don't know how I have made it this long without my faith. It has sustained me. I am not perfect. I lose my temper too often (not as often anymore though).

No one is perfect. You are doing the best you can with the situation you have. He knows you love him. You've shown him that over and over. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself.

I'll be praying for you and your family.

Cassy said...

I like what "T" aid in her second paragraph.

Debbie - I admire your honesty and bravery.

fer said...

Deb, can't find much more profound to say except I admire you and love you. And wish I could do something to help you.

J. said...

Remember that you are an amazing mom and yoy are doing all the right stuff - keep breathing and take a break for yourself when you have a chance.

sarah said...

Those boys are lucky to have such a loving, devoted, thoughtful, and great mom. they really are. I am thinking about you....

little miss mel said...

Awe, Debbie. I am so sorry you are struggling. You are doing the best you possibly can, and that IS good enough. It's not giving you the right outcome, but your his mom and he knows you are there for him FOREVER.

I'll be praying for you to sweety.

Alicia (aka Dr. Mom) said...

I am very moved by your plea to God and have offered similar pleas for my ability to mother my daughter.

I do believe that if you ask God/The Universe/A Divine Spirit for help... a little grace... you WILL receive it. I truly believe this. I am not an organized religion type of person... but im not a new age person either. I dont know what I am but i can't NOT believe that there isn't something bigger than us that we cant comprehend or explain and it all has to do with l-o-v-e and if you offer a desperate 'prayer' out there i just know that you will receive what you need :). with faith and an open heart and mind. and i will offer up a similar 'prayer' FOR you because the more voices out there the more it will help. well,thats what i believe anyway :)

thank you for sharing your soul at a vulnerable time for you. i could really relate and i KNOW you will get through this :)

my mother in law once said as i was worrying to her whether or not i was a good mother... she said "bad mothers don't worry if they are good or not. If youre worrying... feeling guilty... etc then that is proof positive you ARE a good mothers. The bad ones dont give it a second thought." :)

Joanne said...

Deb - hang in there. I wish there was more that I could say. We all surround you with love and friendship - lean on us to get you through this. Hang in there. I love you.

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